Fuck titles.
I’m writing this while driving back from my cruise I just took. I have a lot on my mind. Lots of decisions need to be made which will result in big changes. I have this problem where I think of actions toward other people and how they effect them and it usually results in my unhappiness. I think I got that strange way of thinking because my mom always told me to think of what I was doing to her. I guess you can call me a masochist. However I can’t help but feel trapt here. Justin keeps talking about all these big changes to the house and how awesome they will be. I can’t help but feel sad. He absolutely adores me. I know it. Something’s not right though. I don’t want to be a part of those changes. I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. I keep telling him were lying to ourselves. He just smiles. That’s what every girl wants right? Someone to love and adore them? I know I’m forgetting to mention all the bad shit I’ve been through with him and trust me there has been a lot. My other problem is I let go of anger so easily. Some might say its a good thing. Well now when I’m trying to decide what to do I forget everything that has made me so unhappy for so long. So I sit here and think to myself “why go looking- you have someone who loves you” it collides with the thought “your not happy and you haven’t been for a log time- take a risk”. That risk has come along, and I’m scared. I’m nervous. But I want it. The smile on my face, the stupid feeling in my gut. I’ve missed it. But is that just the beginning of something new? Do those feelings just fade with time? Am I just trading one guy in for another that in time will become the same? Life is all about happiness. If I’m questioning mine so much, maybe I need to figure it out I my own. But then I get a text and my face lights up. I know what I want. I always know what I want. I don’t have my moves and back up plans laid out like I usually do. But even if I did, life wouldn’t let it unfold the way I want to right? So why hesitate, I need to take the jump and find out for myself.
